me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.