I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel