this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
