Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
