I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
