this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
