I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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