Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
