are you still at the devil's house?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
