I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He better not be in your backpack
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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