One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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