I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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