i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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