Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
