there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
