Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
