we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
