New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
