a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry about my life...
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