Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
