I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
