I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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