Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
