It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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