I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
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Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
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I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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