also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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