how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
