it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
