I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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