If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
