I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
