I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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