So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
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Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
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"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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