at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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