i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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