I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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