She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need moral support for this bender
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
