Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
