Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
