Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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