You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
