Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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