Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
