when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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