Need sex. Gaining weight.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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