It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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