you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
