have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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