I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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