when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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