he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize