I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
