I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
