He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
