One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
