matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
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