What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
