I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
