U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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