I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
